‘We’re lovers but she won’t commit to having a relationship’

Dear Coleen

I’m in love with this girl I’ve known since we were both teenagers. I’m now 28 and she’s 27. It’s a complicated set-up – we see each other all the time, we have sex and basically behave like a normal couple but she won’t commit to a relationship with me and doesn’t want to make it official.

I think she sees me as her “friend from home” and never imagined we’d actually end up together. I, on the other hand, have always been in love with her and think we’d be perfect together – why can’t she see it, too?

I have found the courage to talk to her about it, but she just fobs me off and doesn’t take it seriously, saying we’ve been friends forever and that she’s never thought of me in terms of being a life partner and father of her kids.

It’s crushing to hear, so I’m reluctant to keep bringing it up and I’d rather see her and enjoy being with her.

I dread her bumping into another guy she wants to get serious with. It would break my heart, but I know it’s a possibility. I hate living in limbo!

Coleen says

She’s being honest with you, but it’s tough to hear when you feel something different and want more from the relationship.

Perhaps if you did cool things off and both of you had the freedom to explore other things, she would realise that what she had with you was pretty great and that the love of her life was right under her nose all along.

I think that taking a break from each other would be a good thing. It’ll either bring you back together or it’ll make you both realise that it’s time to move on and give each other the opportunity to meet new people.

I think if you stay in the current arrangement which, let’s face it, is a friends with benefits scenario, then one of you will end up getting hurt and it’s most likely to be you.

I know you love her and don’t want to lose her, but sometimes you need to listen to your head and look after yourself. You’re worried about your heart getting broken, but this situation can’t be making you happy.

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