Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin that answers all your most confidential questions to help you achieve the healthy, safe, and joyful sex life that you deserve.

This week’s column is all about your pleasure. First up, we have a question about a partner who doesn’t seem that enthusiastic about performing oral sex. I’ll give you tips for asking for reciprocation from your partners. So many women and gender-nonconforming people forget that yes, we are also deserving of pleasure — it’s frustrating when a partner doesn’t seem to get that right away, but it’s also importan to be your own advocate. (Plus, the inside scoop on why so many men seem to be ignoring cunnilingus.) Then comes a question from a woman who wants to love pleasuring herself with her hand as much as she loves pleasuring herself with her vibrator.

QUESTION: I've been hooking up with a dude who recently went down on me for the first time, even though almost every time we've had sex I've given him head. It was clear he was either timid and inexperienced or not all that into it. How do I ask for oral and not make it weird? Should I just have sex with people who are enthusiastic about going down on me? —High and Dry, 29

VANESSA: It’s possible that this guy is merely a self-centered jerk, but if you’ve agreed to have sex with him multiple times, it sounds more likely that he’s insecure about his technique or uncertain about whether or not you want oral sex in the first place.

Ultimately, it’s up to each of us to determine our sexual boundaries and needs. If it turns out this guy doesn’t feel comfortable performing oral, that’s his prerogative — and remember, respect goes both ways. It’s also your prerogative to say that oral sex is an important part of your sex life, and you’re willing to end a relationship with a partner who isn't reciprocative with it.

Here’s the deal with cunnilingus: A lot of people with vaginas get self-conscious about receiving oral because we’ve been socialized to be ashamed of the ways our genitals look, smell, and taste. (For the record, that socialization is BS, and you look, smell, and taste amazing.) Engaging in cunnilingus means letting someone get up close and personal with your business, so a lot of women don’t allow themselves to ask for it, and some women even tell their partners not to do it. In fact, a lot of my male clients telling me they’ve stopped even trying to initiate oral because they’ve gotten so used to being turned down.

These dynamics tend to be even more prevalent with casual sex or new relationships when there’s not a lot of communication about sexual likes and dislikes. That said, I think it’s worth giving your guy the benefit of the doubt. Next time you guys are together, say something like, “I loved going down on you last time. Now I’m ready for my turn.”

Once he’s between your legs, it’s important for you to give him feedback on what you like. We all like different things when it comes to oral, and it’s your responsibility to help your partners learn what works for your body. We’re all self-conscious about our sexual technique, so try to frame your feedback as positively as you can. You can say things like, “That feels so good. Can you go a little harder?” or “I like it when you mix it up. Can you try something different?”

QUESTION: I'm a little worried about much I like my vibrator. Basically, masturbation with it is great and masturbation without it doesn't even feel like it's worth the trouble. I'm not ashamed of using sex toys, but it would be really nice to get excited about using just my fingers, too — do you have any tips for this? —Power Queen, 27

VANESSA: People tend to forget that vibrators are incredible technological advancements. The things vibrators can do these days are simply amazing: multiple speeds, multiple pulsation patterns, suction vibrators, oral-sex-simulating vibrators, dual prong vibrators. Of course, your hand isn’t going to feel nearly as good as those little miracle machines.

In my first column, I talked about how we need to be aware of the patterns that we can get into in our sex lives. If you use your vibrator every single time you masturbate, your hand isn’t going to feel like it’s worth the trouble. If you love your vibrator and are happy with it being an essential part of your solo and partnered sex life, then by all means, keep using it. But the issue here is that you’re saying you want to get excited about using just your fingers, too — and, in that case, my advice to you is to take a temporary hiatus from your vibrator and learn how to get yourself off with your hand.

There are two ways you can do this: You can go cold turkey, or you can do a 50-50 split. If you go cold turkey, tuck that vibrator away and don’t use it again until you’ve learned how to reliably bring yourself pleasure with your fingers. I’ll give you a heads up that there will be a temporary adjustment period where your fingers are going to feel almost excruciatingly boring. You may hardly feel a thing. That’s normal, and it will pass with time.

If you don’t want to go through that rough transition, try the 50/50 split. Use your vibrator for one masturbation session, then skip the vibrator for the next session. It won’t be as jarring of a change, but it will take longer overall for you to learn how to pleasure yourself with your hand.

The other thing about vibrators is that they make masturbation really easy. Many people just turn the vibrator on, hold it to their clitoris, and wait for the vibrator to do its job. It doesn’t tend to be a very engaging process, so when you’re learning how to masturbate with your hand, I highly recommend trying to be more lively and creative.

See if you can set your surroundings up to feel really sexy. Think about how you can make masturbation feel like a pampering experience. Light candles. Turn on your favorite sexy slow-jam playlist. Keep that atmosphere going once you start touching yourself. Take the time to seduce yourself and touch all over your body. Play around with different strokes and techniques. Have as much fun with the process as you can. It may take some trial and error, but you’ll learn to love it.

Got a sex question for Vanessa? Email it to [email protected] and it may be featured in an upcoming column. Submitting your question indicates that you consent to its use by Allure, and questions may be edited for brevity and clarity. All question askers will remain anonymous on the site.

Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and her website.

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