Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin that answers all your most confidential questions to help you achieve the healthy, safe, and joyful sex life that you deserve. In this column, she answers a question from a reader who has difficulty with natural lubrication.

DEAR VANESSA: I have major problems with wetness. I'm super attracted to my boyfriend and enjoy having sex with him, but I never, ever get wet. I feel the desire for sex, but nothing happens. He thinks it's because he's doing something wrong, but everything feels good and I want it. We've also experimented a lot in the bedroom, but nothing seems to help get me more wet. I'm always dry. What's wrong with me? What do we need to be doing? – Dry as a Desert, 22

DEAR DASD: Here’s the most important thing for you to know: Your wetness is not a foolproof indicator of your arousal level. Wetness actually says very little about how turned on you are in the moment. As you’ve experienced many times, female-bodied folks can be completely turned on but still remain totally dry. They can also find themselves feeling wet without feeling mentally interested in sex.

For the record, it’s the same with male-bodied folks. Your boyfriend’s erection is not a foolproof indicator of his arousal level, either. Male-bodied people can struggle to get erections even when they want to have sex, and they can also get erections at the worst possible times, when sex is the last thing on their minds.

The idea of your genitals and your mind operating separately from each other is a concept called genital non-concordance. (If you’re interested in learning more about non-concordance, I highly recommend checking out Emily Nagoski’s amazing book, Come as You Are.)

As an extreme example of genital non-concordance, we can look at the reactions of sexual assault survivors. While being abused, women can get wet, men can get erections, and many people even orgasm. The fact that their body responded does not mean that the survivor wanted to be abused, nor does it mean that they enjoyed the abuse. It only means that their bodies had a non-concordant reaction to their desires and boundaries. I talk about this reaction a lot with the survivors I work with because they often feel deeply confused about why their bodies reacted — most people don’t know that non-concordance is a thing.

What’s most important to pay attention to is what your mind wants. It sounds like you desire and enjoy sex with your boyfriend, so I would encourage you to continue desiring and enjoying sex with him.

There’s an easy solution to your wetness concern: lube.

It sounds like your boyfriend also needs to be educated about genital non-concordance. Help him understand that your lack of wetness is not an indicator of a lack of arousal. Reiterate that you enjoy having sex with him, and that neither of you are doing anything wrong. Ask him to trust you to be the authority on your own desires and experiences.

Fortunately, there’s also an easy solution to your wetness issue: lube. Lube can give you the wetness that you crave. It also lasts longer than the lubrication bodies naturally produce, so it’s better for longer sessions. I recommend lube to just about everyone I work with, since I think it can make sex a much better experience overall. My favorite is Pjur Original, a silicone-based lubricant that lasts forever and feels great against the skin. At $29 for 3.4 fluid ounces, it’s more expensive than the brands you can find at the drugstore, but it’s worth every penny. You can get it at Pjur's website, and online at Target.

To use lube, put a quarter-sized amount on your vulva, focusing on the area around your vaginal opening. You can also put some on your partner’s penis. Try giving each other hand jobs as you put on the lube, which will make the experience of using it feel much sexier.

If you’re experiencing any pain with your dryness or you want to have peace of mind that everything’s OK, you can always try setting up an appointment with your OB/GYN to make sure your vagina is healthy. Infections and sexually transmitted infections can sometimes cause dryness issues as well. While that may not be the case for you, you may appreciate hearing that directly from your doctor.

Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and her website.

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