It’s time to take back the blow job, ladies.
Forget the stereotype that giving a BJ is somehow subservient or anti-feminist. Choosing how to show your sexual affection however you want is as empowered as it gets.
Still, no matter how down you are with going down, in the throes of the (sometimes lengthy) act, you can’t help but let your mind wander a little. Whether it’s your favourite item on the menu, or you only like to serve it from time to time, here are 11 hilarious thoughts you’ve probably had while giving a blow job.
1. “IS IT BAD IF I’M ONLY DOING THIS BECAUSE IT WILL BE FASTER THAN SEX AND I’M TIRED AF?”
We’ve all been there. But hey, there’s nothing wrong with placing value on your partner’s pleasure AND efficiency.
2. “DAMN, PENISES ARE REALLY NOT CUTE.”
They’re not! Like objectively they are just not an attractive appendage. Not when they’re staring you in the face at least…
3. “PREPARE TO BE BLESSED BY MY GODDESS MOUTH. TIME TO ROCK. HIS. WORLD.”
The happy ending may be for him, but you’re the writer of that story, baby.
4. “DO NOT TOUCH MY HAIR.”
Let’s be real, good technique requires concentration and a hair tug can totally throw you off your rhythm. Not cool. More importantly, doesn’t he realize you’re trying to make this blowout last another day? Paws off.
5. “CAN WE TURN SOME BEYONCÉ ON OR SOMETHING? I DESERVE AN ANTHEM.”
Nothing like a little Queen Bey to remind him who’s in charge in this situation. Plus, the spit soundtrack isn’t exactly a turn on.
6. “YEAH, I KNOW YOU LIKE IT WHEN I PLAY WITH YOUR BALLS.”
What is proper testicle etiquette these days? Do we squeeze them? Caress them? Is tugging fair game? No shame in avoiding that political hot potato.
7. “THAT’S RIGHT, MAKE LIKE IT’S 1999 AND SAY MY NAME!”
You know that point where you’re in your rhythm and he’s vibe-ing and it’s just so damn good? Revel in your glory.
8. “MY JAW IS STARTING TO CRAMP. ARE WE ALMOST DONE OR…?”
No matter how much you enjoy giving a good old-fashioned BJ, it’s only polite to be respectful of your time and effort, right? Let’s wrap this up pal.
9. “THIS. IS. HAPPENING.”
No matter how many times you’ve done this before, why is there always this hint of apprehension? Like suddenly you’ll forget how to use your mouth or dip out too early and…well, no one wants that mess.
10. “BOW DOWN AT THE ALTAR OF MY SEXUAL PROWESS.”
Mission: Accomplished.
11. “MY TURN!”
You’ve earned it.
This article originally appeared on Women’s Health US.
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