Technology has made our lives so much better in so many ways — but when it comes to sex, sometimes it’s just better to keep things old-school. That’s right; all you need for some next-level sex is a pair of handcuffs and a couple of basic sex positions.
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Yup, we saw you perk up in your seat with the mention of handcuffs. Why are handcuffs so damn sexy in the first place? Control — or lack thereof — is a huge factor. And a lot of our attraction to the whole control issue has to do with punching a clock every day.
“For people who have a day-to-day life of being constantly in control, juggling too many tasks with an overload of responsibilities, giving up control in the bedroom can be a huge turn-on,” says sexologist Emily Morse, host of the Sex With Emily podcast. “It allows them to tap into their bodies sexually and let go without worrying about anyone else’s pleasure but their own. The same goes for someone who is more passive in their day-to-day life. It’s arousing to be the dominant, to be the one in control, calling the shots and orchestrating the entire scene.”
Here are four positions with handcuffs that are going to totally take your sex life to the next level.
The Kinky Missionary
How you do it: “The person on the receiving end lies on her back, hands overhead and cuffed,” says Carol Queen, Ph.D., staff sexologist at Good Vibrations. “You can up the ante with a second pair of cuffs on the ankles if the bed has legs to loop the cuff’s chain or a length of rope to. The dominant person is on top, probably talking dirty.”
Why it feels so good: “Anyone who already loves missionary position loves it because of the full-body contact and face-to-face intimacy,” she says. “This allows those elements to remain very important and adds a touch of power play: Hands over head and bound exposes the breasts and gives her more of a feeling of being ravished. If someone likes bondage, the immobility and ravishment are generally part of its delight. The ‘top’ gets the delicious feeling of power and that the ‘bottom’ is there for the taking — quite literally.”
Queening in Bondage
How you do it: “For this position, the submissive partner is on the bottom. ‘Queening’ is also known as ‘sitting on his face,’ so this is an oral sex position where the woman gets lovely licks while the man’s wrists are bound above his head; she just has to take care not to put her weight on his arms when settling in to be pleasured. This could also be modified to involve woman-on-top intercourse but with the bottom cuffed,” Queen says.
Why it feels so good: “One thing the Fifty Shades of Grey reader doesn’t really get is a positive look at a woman on top,” she says. “‘Queening’ is a very good tease position, where the top person almost lowers herself onto the bottom person but doesn’t quite make contact… ’till their partner begs!”
Hands Behind Ankles
How you do it: “Lie down with your belly to the floor or bed. Bend your legs up and reach back for your feet. Attach the handcuffs around your wrists so that they sit behind the ankles,” says licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical sexologist Kat Van Kirk.
Why it feels so good: “This position can bend you open so that there is great access to the mons pubis, labia and clitoris. It opens your hip flexor muscles and flexes your glutes for a fabulous and very arousing stretch, which brings blood flow to the pelvis,” she says.
Standing Room Only
How you do it: “Find a spot, like a towel rod or a hook against the wall, where you can handcuff your partner’s arms while standing up,” Morse says. “Once you have both hands restrained above their head, tell them not to move. Just the act of you forcing the arms back with handcuffs is a sign that this is where they’re going to stay put for a while, especially when said in a stern voice. It’s perfectly acceptable to not feel totally comfortable with some of the words and actions at first, but just go with it. Sex isn’t supposed to be perfect, but it does get better when you stretch your sexual boundaries (to a certain point). With both hands restrained, it’s up to the dominant to begin the teasing and the surprising. You’re in control, so tie the arms and toss on a blindfold and play with different sensations.”
From there, try kissing your partner on the lips, then slowly moving down, stopping to nibble and tease the nipples.
“Engage in oral but don’t stop exploring — you’ll go back to that anyway. Play with sensations: Warm oil from a massage candle, ice cubes or wet kisses will all stimulate your partner’s arousal,” Morse adds. “If they are blindfolded, they won’t know which sensation will come next, making it mysterious and that much hotter. This session ends when you say so or your partner can’t take it anymore because they just have to have sex with you now.”
Why it feels so good: “This is pleasurable to both of you because you’re giving and receiving on your own terms,” she says. “Playing up the scenario with handcuffs makes the roles even more pronounced and that much more of an arousing act all around.”
Bonus handcuff sex tips:
What kind of cuffs should I buy?
Technically, any handcuffs will work (even a scarf that you tie — loosely! — as makeshift cuffs will do just fine). Know, however, that there is a possibility that some handcuffs can cause nerve damage, Queen says. The cheap kind of handcuffs that don’t lock can continue to ratchet and clamp down on your wrists, and the metal of the heavy-duty, locking, police-grade cuffs can be dangerous if you’re writhing hard against them. If you’re worried about those scenarios, consider buying cuffs made of leather or fabric that buckle or tie.
We’ve rounded up a few cute and comfortable sets of sex cuffs great for beginners and experienced players.
Q. I’m a little freaked out by the idea of restraints. How can I make sure my partner and I both stay safe?
First, don’t do bondage with a person you don’t know well or trust, and agree on a safe word in advance. “A safe word — any word besides ‘no’ or ‘stop,’ basically — allows the bottom person to be in character if she likes; when it’s time to stop, the safe word takes them out of the fantasy scene and interjects real needs in a clear way,” Queen says.
Second: Make sure the object you’re cuffing a person to and the surface they’re resting on is stable. “Even if you don’t cuff someone to a piece of furniture, like a chair or headboard, make sure they’re not going to fall off the side of the sofa (or billionaire’s office desk) or be thrown back onto the bed with their hands tied behind their back,” she says.
A version of this story was originally published Feb. 2015.
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